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If I were an average adult woman, I'd watch TV for 34 hours a
week. But I'm below average, alas. I don't even make the cut for
male viewers, who average 29 hours of viewing time a week. (Apparently
they spend the other five hours cleaning toilets and thinking about what
kind of window treatments they want in the master suite. Kidding!)
Even if I don't quite make TV viewing a full-time job, I do watch my
fair share. In fact, I probably spend more time with many of my favorite
TV characters than I do with my actual friends. So from time to time, I
can't help but wonder: What if my TV peeps were my friends?
In all honesty, I've been wondering variations on this theme since I
was a preteen hooked on "Days of Our Lives." What would it be like to have
Bo Brady stashed in my parents' rec room? With proper care and feeding,
would he eventually forget about Hope and want to go steady with me?
My needs since then have grown more complex, but the notion remains:
Which TV characters and personalities would I like to set free from the
box and into my life? And which would I avoid as much as, say, waking up
and finding I'd just made all-night love to my husband's evil twin?
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TV
Characters to Avoid
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Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
Dwight can stay right where he is as an assistant to the manager
of the Scranton, Pa., branch of Dunder Mifflin. As entertaining as
he is on this very delightful show, he reminds me far too much of
people I actually worked with (when, apparently, it would have been
more American of me to be watching TV).
Every office has a Dwight: A rule-bound suck-up who's imbalanced
enough to make his access to firearms -- he's also a volunteer
sheriff -- seem terrifying. I would tell you about my own personal
Dwight, but I know for a fact he keeps a pistol under the passenger
seat of his car. | |
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Katie Couric, 'CBS
Evening News'
I gave up on America's most annoying anchorperson back in her
"Today" show days. It wasn't the perkiness or cornea-searing
colonoscopy. Rather, it was her rude questions and acid banter,
combined with some astounding knowledge deficits for someone with
her job title. To wit: She didn't know the length of a football
field, or what MSN is (hint: You're looking at it). This took me
right back to high school, where shapely legs and cuteness mattered
far more than substance. No thanks. | |
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Tyra Banks, 'America's Next Top Model'
Watching this show is like hanging out with people who design
elaborate costumes for Renaissance festivals and wear them with no
sense of irony. (I'm talking about you, tubby, shirtless Centaur
Dude.)
Although it pays better than weekend centaur appearances,
modeling is equally hard to take seriously. When Tyra Banks berates
contestants for their neck positions and when she talks about how
difficult modeling is, speaking v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y so we
regular-looking civilians can understand the arduous nature of her
life's work, I find myself glad I have opposable thumbs. They're so
handy for changing the channel. | |
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Elmo, 'Sesame
Street'
His voice. Oh, god. His voice. If Elmo's World intersected mine,
I'd wring his furry little neck until those ping-pong-ball eyes
popped out. I'd even invite the Count to confirm that, yes, there
were, "Two eyeballs! Two! Ha-ha-ha," rolling across the
floor. | |
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Oprah Winfrey, 'The Oprah Winfrey Show'
Yes, Oprah gives away great booty to many guests on her show. And
she has a great booty, herself. But can you imagine what it would be
like having a friend who only recently got hip to Costco and is
astounded enough by Wal-Mart's inventory to base a decorating show
around it?
It would be like hanging out with someone who grabs you by the
shoulders, makes intense eye contact and says, "I just had The Best
hamburger. It's amazing. It came from this incredible place called
McDonald's. You've got to try it!"
I don't know, though ... maybe if she was buying ... the
franchise, that is.
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