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By Raoul Mowatt
Special to MSN Entertainment
In the immortal words of poet and visionary MC Hammer, "Ring the bell. School's back in." Or it soon will be for millions of teens.
That makes now the perfect time to consider how TV's take on high school compares to the real thing. See which of these high schools would have worked out best for you or your children. Or, on the flip side, thank your lucky stars that you didn't end up at some of these joints.
Best Schools for Rich Brats
Constance Billard School for
Girls and St. Jude's School for Boys, "Gossip Girl"
The trouble with this category is that there are so many candidates from which to choose. "The O.C.," "Veronica Mars," and "Beverly Hills, 90210" all have more than their share of trust-fund kids. What gives "Gossip Girl" the edge is that even the "poor" kids are doing pretty darn well for themselves. Dan and Jenny's dad was a former rock star who owns an art gallery. They share a nice apartment. It's not like they're hanging around waiting for their welfare check.
Best School for Jocks
Dillon High School, "Friday Night Lights"
In Dillon, football isn't everything. It's the only thing. If you're able to throw the pigskin or break tackles, prepare to be showered with affection from local wheeler-dealers like Bud Garrity, have your homework done by impressionable "rally girls," and generally get treated as a local celebrity by the entire town. Sure, there's pressure to perform that may cause you to snap at your parents or take performance-enhancing drugs, but you can always count on Coach Taylor to give you the advice you need about life or the gridiron to get your head on straight. As long as you aren't messing with his daughter, that is.
Best School for Geniuses
Monroe High School (and later,
Millard Fillmore High), "Head of the Class"
The brainiacs in the Individualized Honors Program could score high on any standardized test you could give them. But it took a couple of special teachers to show them that life is about more than making straight A's. Isn't that sweet?
Worst Schools for Life Expectancy
Smallville High
School, "Smallville"; Sunnydale
High School, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"
It's pretty amazing that Smallville High had enough of a student body left to actually field a graduating class. First, there were those people who got mutated by Kryptonite and eventually died. There were the K-freak victims, who got frozen, stung or otherwise killed. There were the car accidents that seemed to happen in just about every "Smallville" episode. Then there were the random accidents (and not-so accidental happenings) at nearby Luthorcorp.
As for Sunnydale High, the lesson there is to make sure you don't build a high school over a cauldron of infernal energy known as a Hellmouth. To get through high school, Buffy had to make it through vampires, demons, witches and a mayor who turned himself into a giant snake. As ill-fated jock Larry said on the series, "If we can focus, keep discipline, and not have quite as many mysterious deaths, Sunnydale is going to rule!"
Best Schools for Social Rejects
McKinley High School,
"Freaks and Geeks"; Weemawee High
School, "Square Pegs"
Truth be told, there really is no great school for outcasts, almost by definition. But at least at McKinley they represented a large enough contingent to form their own support group. And while Patty and Lauren never did manage to fit in with the elite at Weemawee, at least they had each other. And they didn't actually die trying.
Best School for Mystery-Solving
Neptune High, "Veronica
Mars"
Man, there was scandal after scandal after scandal going on at Neptune: murder, rape, molestation, theft, people switched at birth. The wealthy '09ers (named for their prestigious ZIP code) were always trying to get one over on the poor kids, and vice versa. And one spunky lass managed to get to the bottom of every juicy secret in town, even as she earned top grades. You go, Veronica!
Most Talented High School
New York City High School for
the Performing Arts, "Fame"
The students didn't exactly live forever, and, baby, we don't remember their names. But they could definitely dance, act and sing rings around anyone else.
Best School for Happy Endings
East High School, "High School Musical"
Boy and girl shoot sparks, overcome bad guys, and end up together. He helps win his basketball game, she helps win a scholastic decathlon. What else would you expect from Disney?
Best School for Class Clowns
Bayside High School, "Saved by the Bell"
That Zack was quite the charmer, wasn't he? He managed to get away with just about anything he wanted, whether it was Principal Belding or that muscle-bound jerk Slater that he was bamboozling.
Worst School for Weight Gain
Eastland School, "The Facts of Life"
OK, the joke's been done to death, but it needs pointing out. Early on in the series, Natalie was supposed to be "the chubby one." By the end of it, Jo, Blair and Tootie had all joined her in that category. What the heck was Eastland's cafeteria serving, anyway? Deep-fried lard with a grease demi-glaze?
Best Animated High School
Lawndale High School, "Daria"
This is another hotly contested category. James Woods High School from "Family Guy" deserves props on the basis of the name alone. And Highland High from "Beavis and Butt-head" is pretty memorable, too. But Lawndale High wins out because it's pretty darn close to what real high school is like, and still manages to be funny.
Grittiest High School
Winslow High School, "Boston Public"
A lot of shows focus on the glitzier side of teen life without wrestling with topics like racism, teen pregnancy, drug abuse or school funding, so we have to hand it to David Kelley for bringing his take on social issues into high school with all the subtlety and nuance of his legal series such as "The Practice" and "Boston Legal."
Raoul Mowatt loved shopping for school supplies and could barely go to sleep the night before classes started. He is one of the two writers of the MSN TV Blog.
