In news that will have the gene pool begging for a Delaware-size dose of chlorine, Heidi Montag is apparently eager to procreate with Spencer Pratt, a mating prospect that we worry will produce an offspring who has her dead eyes and original nose and his creepy, flesh-colored beard (TM Joel McHale of "The Soup"). "Heidi talks about lots of kids all the time," the "Hills" chucklehead told Ryan Seacrest on Tuesday. "She wakes up with these great dreams about five kids." Heidi, over to you: "I want, like, four. Maybe I'll adopt 10. I want to have my own orphanage like Mother Teresa." Something tells us her charitable aspirations are as grounded in reality as a "Hills" feud or, say, her 22nd birthday celebration on Monday, which involved a picnic in the park with her faux-y beau, complete with champagne, roses, balloons, a cake reading "Happy Birthday, Princess Heidi" and, of course, some of their bestest paparazzi pals. (The cake isn't the only part of the above picture that's hard to swallow. See more of their laughably staged posing here). Anyhoo, Spencer, who earlier this year told Tyra Banks how he wanted to name his kid Dunk ("This is when I was saying I wanna go to Africa and when I adopt an African and he's gonna be very tall and he's gonna be Dunk, you know" -- you can watch his forehead-smacking asshattery at the 6:26 mark here) says he's currently waging a battle to protect his turf from an onslaught of four-legged invaders. "I am fighting her every day," he gripes. "[Heidi wants] kittens and puppies."

"Fat" actress? Maybe in the Bizarro World. Eva hits New York Fashion Week on Sept. 7.

"She's just fat, that's all there is to it!" So laughs Felicity Huffman to People, echoing what her "Desperate Housewives" co-star Eva Longoria Parker said last week of her ever-so-slightly fuller but still featherweight figure ("I'm just fat!" the pregnancy rumor-plagued actress announced on French TV). While Huffman's candid quip will likely do more to fan bun-in-the-oven speculation than quash it, she does point out how Eva is styling some extra padding of the fake variety this season to play a harried, stay-at-home mother of two. "She looks cute," Felicity says of her bulked-up Wisteria Lane neighbor. "But she's always like, 'Feel my ass! Feel my ass!' All the jokes [on set] are Eva and her fat suit."

Work-life balance is important even when your job involves slipping on head-to-toe Lycra and shooting webs from your wrists. According to the Times of London, Tobey Maguire has hammered out a deal for the fourth and fifth installments of "Spider-Man" that will include guaranteed "family time" during next year's six-month, back-to-back production. That means that in addition to a mountain of cash, he'll also get early mornings and evenings off to spend with 22-month-old daughter Ruby Sweetheart (yes, Sweetheart) and his jewelry-designer wife, Jennifer Meyer. The paper spitballs that the actor could eventually pocket a hard-to-process $50 million in salary and profit participation to reprise his wall-crawler alter ego. "Tobey admits he is obsessive-compulsive about everything he does, and raising Ruby is no different," a pal tells the paper. "There's no way Tobey would allow work, no matter how well paid, to get between him and Ruby ..."

Naomi and Liev carry Alexander through New York last June.

In other dad news, Liev Schreiber will soon welcome tot No. 2 with Naomi Watts, but he admits he has yet to fully embrace certain ankle-biter traditions, like baby's first birthday party. "It was like a land mine, I mean, a minefield of children," he tells W (via Celebrity Baby Blog) of son Alexander's July shindig in the Hamptons. "There were little babies everywhere and adults -- people I didn't know. I was horrified. Terrified." The actor, who concedes that he's "really uptight," says his mood was much the same at a celebration with his family a few weeks before, when his pride and joy (nicknamed Sasha) dove fist first into his birthday cake. "Naomi was like, 'That's what's supposed to happen!'" he recollects to the magazine. "But I'm like, 'This beautiful cake my mother bought. Don't do that!'" And it's a good bet Schreiber will grow only more anxious when their second bundle arrives (a swollen-bellied Naomi, for her part, looked relaxed and smiley as she played with their towheaded tyke in her hometown of Sydney, Australia, this week). "I've never worried so much as I have since I had him. I was always kind of a worrier, but now I worry a lot," he acknowledges. "Like, he's been having trouble sleeping, and it turns out that he's got [a] cold ... But I'm running in my head, things like 'He's crying because he's frustrated because I'm a bad father!' And then I'm thinking, 'Oh my God, he's got all these deep issues already!'"

Bite me! Nicole Richie and 8-month-old Harlow face the paparazzi in Los Angeles on Sept. 12. (©X17Agency.com)

Nicole Richie doesn't seem to mind having a camera aimed in her direction, as long as it's on her terms. This week, the supposedly Swedish tourist-confronting starlet and boyfriend Joel Madden made the press rounds to promote a charitable initiative that urges people to make a $5 donation to their children's foundation by texting the word "child" to 90999 (the contribution is automatically added to your phone bill). The pair was also happy to gush about the inspiration behind their do-gooding: button-cute 8-month-old daughter Harlow. "She is pulling herself up standing," Nicole tells "Extra" of her rug rat's latest milestones. "We don't have to burp her anymore." Shares Joel, "She says 'mama' and 'dada.' She says 'dada' when she wants to play, wants to laugh. And 'mama' is everything else." And despite Harlow's tender age, Richie is already being peppered with questions about the possibility of a sibling. "We're just enjoying every day," she sidesteps. "And if it happens, it happens."

Kate introduces daughter Lila to some different kind of smells in London last June.

Kate Moss rocked her 5-year-old daughter Lila's worldview by revealing that her baby sitter doesn't look after her simply out of the kindness of her heart. "Lila says, 'Mummy, you're not normal, because you go to work.' She thinks her nanny is her friend and I'm the only person in the world that works!" the veteran supermodel explains to Company magazine (via the London Sun). "She was sad when I told her that I actually pay her nanny Jade to look after her." Another thing that rocks Lila's world: the smell of petroleum in the morning. Moss, who's out promoting her new perfume Velvet Hour, says her little girl loves nothing better than a nice big sniff of gasoline, so she leaves the car door open when she fills the tank (parents, feel free to weigh in on the fume issue below). "I've heard it is one of the most preferred scents in the world," observes Kate. "Maybe that's something to study for my next fragrance."