When Maxim named Sarah Jessica Parker the "Unsexiest Woman Alive" last year, she shrugged it off, saying, "It does not bother me in the least if people don't think I'm sexy. I don't think I am, either." But it appears she actually was a bit annoyed by the callous and uncalled-for label bestowed by the men's mag, which, if its skin-heavy covers are any indication, prefers its women heavily airbrushed and crow-barred into spangly bras and boy shorts. Am I really the unsexiest woman in the world? Wow! It's kind of shocking ..."

Renee Zellweger may sometimes look like a sourpuss in paparazzi pics, but she proclaims herself permanently cheerful. "I'm fortunate," the weedy Oscar winner tells In Style. "I think I was born happy. If I have a bad moment, it doesn't take me long to switch the gear back. I say, 'That sucked,' and move on." Zellweger is so content that she doesn't even mind being away on location for long periods. "Sometimes people ask, 'Don't you miss your home?' Well, no," says the actress, who is out stumping for "Leatherheads." "I go to work with George Clooney or Harry Connick. So, not so much." But, she adds, "I'm probably more okay by myself than anything."

Despite the pain of seeing her beloved Bentley injured, Kim Kardashian bravely soldiers on by squeezing her glutes for the cameras.

Nobody knows the troubles Kim Kardashian has seen. The posterior-parading reality star is sharing her anguish over her $200,000-plus Bentley being sideswiped by a motorcycle last week in Los Angeles. "I only got to drive my new Bentley for one week when a motorcycle ran into it! It was a hit and run," she rants on her blog. "I've had the car for six whole months, but it had been in shop most of that time getting tricked out ..." Heartbreakingly, the repairs could take another couple of months. "I've been waiting my whole life for a Bentley and now this!!!" bellyaches Kim, whose childhood aspirations could have used some fine-tuning. "I just have to laugh -- what else am I going to do!?" How about donating some time and money to a charity that helps people with actual problems? Nah, that suggestion would probably just fall on deaf rears ears.

It's Eva Longoria's world -- we just live in it. People goes into excruciating detail about the "intricate" 33rd birthday bash tossed for the "Desperate Housewives" star by basketballer-husband Tony Parker last weekend in San Antonio. The festivities included a scavenger hunt, dinner at a castle and a reenactment of the game Clue using Los Angeles-based actors flown in just for the auspicious occasion. "There was no party planner," relays an impressed guest to the mag. "Tony was the [mastermind] of this all. And it was a big surprise." At one point, Longoria had to answer Parker-centric trivia, which led to the big reveal -- her much taller half had been trailing her all day in costume as the San Antonio Spurs coyote mascot. Sighs the suspiciously schmaltzy guest, "He was hot, he was sweating, he was in love with his wife." This was the fourth celebration tossed for Eva's big 3-3, capping off shindigs in Los Angeles and Miami, where she reportedly feasted on a cake with her own picture in icing.

Michelle Trachtenberg is, like, totally super stoked for her guest-starring role on "Gossip Girl." "I am super excited," Buffy's onetime whiny little sis tells Us. "[Creator] Josh Schwartz is an awesome dude and he is inspiring me to bring out my inner bitch!" The starlet, 22, is reportedly set to appear in four episodes as Georgina Sparks, a troublemaking old chum of Serena's (Blake Lively). And Michelle can't wait to wreak havoc on the Upper East Side. "I got to play a bitch when I did 'Six Feet Under' and it was super fun," she enthuses, "and I think this show is young and is so on tap with what's going on today."

Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson at the Marguee Night Club in New York on Feb. 26

Pete Wentz already knows his way around an eyeliner pencil and a flatiron. And it turns out he's so in touch with his feminine side that he's parlaying it into a business venture. The Fall Out Boy bassist tells Women's Wear Daily that he's launching a junior sportswear line for girls. Duds will include T-shirts ($28) and his de rigueur hoodies ($68) and will be available exclusively at Nordstrom starting in April. "Technically they will be hanging in the young women's area, but personally I make these clothes as if they are unisex," he tells the magazine. "I mean, some of the clothes are clearly just for girls, you won't see me wearing a dress or anything, but I do like to wear a slimmer jean." Wentz, who previously had a deal with DKNY jeans (the company is now teaming up with Rachel Bilson), may even have the perfect footwear to don with his form-fitting pants. "I love Jessica's stuff, especially shoes," he told FoxNews.com of his girlfriend Ashlee Simpson's big sis. "I dance around my house in them all the time.

Next: Kate and Owen Get 'Lovey-Dovey' in Miami