Think reports of Ashley Olsen and Lance Armstrong swapping age-inappropriate spit are weird? Their purported hookup has now taken a turn for the wacky. In a story we urge you to take with a Mary-Kate-sized grain of salt, Radar says the seemingly midlife-crisis-suffering Tour de France champ, 36, asked the pocket-size twin, 21, to make a show-and-tell appearance at the Texas school of his 6-year-old daughters (they're twins, too). "Celebrities do this all the time," a mole declares matter-of-factly to the magazine. No word on when this alleged pop-by took place or if the tykes had any clue who the guest of honor was (you know, besides that elflike blond lady in scary high heels and lots and lots of layers). For the record, Olsen's rep tells MSNBC.com the classroom cameo never happened.

Meanwhile, in other Mary-Kate and Ashley news, they were photographed in flowing dresses over the weekend in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, where they are believed to have performed bridesmaid duties for a pal's seaside wedding. By Monday, however, MK was spotted back in Los Angeles, where she purportedly hung out at hot spot Hyde with her ex, Stavros Niarchos (via Perez Hilton). You'll recall the strapping Greek billion-heir ditched Olsen in 2005 to take up with Paris Hilton. The supposed sighting comes on the heels of a report in the New York Post warning Mary-Kate that her rumored New York Ranger beau Sean Avery has been spied in the company of his ex, actress Lake Bell.

Nothing brings a couple closer together quite like the inability to bathe alone. Pete Wentz tells People that girlfriend Ashlee Simpson has been playing nurse to his naughty patient as he recovers from a broken foot, which he injured on-stage after jumping off a stack of speakers. "When I'm being hardheaded and I don't want to elevate it, she says, 'No, put it on the pillow!'" the lately guy-liner-nixing Fall Out Boy bassist tells the mag. "When I try to get in the shower by myself and am going to end up falling on the hotel room floor, she's good at stopping me."

Do Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen, who have barely made a tabloid ripple in the nine months they've reportedly been an item, prefer their vacations with a bit of a "Tarzan" theme? According to the Miami Herald, they arrived at the town's ultraexclusive Casa Casuarina last Thursday, bedding down in the $4,000-a-night "Safari" suite. Says a spy, "They had a romantic night that was planned by Bilson." The low-profile pair, whose sci-fi flick "Jumper" hits screens in February, checked out the next day.

The tabloids are making Matthew Perry out to be quite the catch. Just days after he was allegedly spied smooching Mandy Moore, he's once again being linked to Meg Ryan, whom he was rumored to be seeing back in February. Life & Style claims the oddball pair recently enjoyed a romantic rendezvous, but the actor's rep insists to "Extra" that the story isn't true. Still, a Defamer.com operative spotted Perry and Ryan in proximity to one another at the Swell Season concert in Los Angeles Saturday night.

Never underestimate Criss Angel's ability to appear skeevy. Fox News says it overheard the ooky illusionist tell Gene Simmons at a shindig last week, "... Actually, I've had my eye on your daughter but I've heard she is only 15. That's who caught my eye." The Kiss rocker-turned-reality show, oh, let's say star apparently wasn't alarmed over his offspring being admired by Angel, who in recent months has been linked to Cameron Diaz and -- eek! -- Britney Spears. "Oh, it is OK because she is almost 16," Simmons is quoted as saying. "You know, she is 5-feet 10-inches and very, very good at tae kwon do ..." Pardon us while we run a nice hot bleach bath ...

Next: Womb Watch: Nicollette, Kate, Posh & More