Shrink Wrapped:Eva Longoria Parker, it's time for us to talk.
Actually, it's about a month, a gallon of Victoria Beckham's hair gel and a makeup spray gun
set to "spackle" past time for us to talk. For weeks, you've fended off baby
talk, even joking a few days ago that you're not pregnant, you're "just fat."
Honey, if this is what you consider fat, we'd be thrilled if you called us
morbidly obese. Look, it's obvious that you're having some self-image issues,
which might explain how you ended up on the Emmy red carpet decked out in
belly-hiding tiers of fringe snipped from a dozen Victorian lampshades. Toss in
toe-smooshing silver stilettos so pointy you could put an eye out and a titanic
bow that makes us wonder if you just won first prize in a Miss Natural Boobs
beauty contest and it's obvious something is up. Eva, you're so elfin we could
carry you around in our pocket. You need to find a style that plays up your
far-from-fleshy assets instead of hiding behind flapper-y tassels, gift-wrapped
cleavage (absolutely no returns) and severe hair and makeup better suited to a
drenched raccoon. (Sara De Boer/Retna Ltd.)
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