Hotmail
|
By Larry Carroll
Special to MSN TV
With George Lopez, Mo'Nique and Wanda Sykes all preparing to enter the talk show world, it
seems more true than ever that everyone in Hollywood gets his or her own
one-hour chat fest if he or she sticks around long enough. But looking back on
the last few decades of talk show failures, a landscape littered with the bodies
of A-listers, also-rans and anonymities, we're reminded that landing yourself a
couch hardly guarantees comfort.
"Queen Latifah Show" (1999-2001)
In early 2003, Dana "Queen Latifah" Owens triumphantly made the awards-season
rounds as a distinguished thespian with an Oscar nomination for her work in Best
Picture "Chicago." Million-dollar offers poured in for the suddenly
sizzling actress, which was particularly shocking because she had bombed as a
lowly daytime talk host just 20 months earlier. Hip-hop's first lady struggled
with less-than-royal ratings despite the aid of friends/guests Diddy, Mary J. Blige and Lauryn Hill and the good karma earned by making
disadvantaged kids' dreams come true. By the time her show was shockingly
renewed for a second season, however, the charismatic host was lost between
social responsibilities (Al Gore and Ralph Nader were guests) and "Jerry Springer"-like sideshow attractions.
"The Tony Danza Show" (2004-2006)
It's difficult to
decide which is more unbelievable: that producers, executives, affiliates and a
studio all believed the world wanted to spend five hours a week with Tony Danza, or that they were kinda right. After a
second-season renewal only slightly less shocking than the O.J. Simpson verdict, "Danza" finally threw in the
towel after more than two years on the air. It's hard to imagine why, with
powerful guests such as Judith Light and a talking parrot, segments on how to make
pizza and regular guest stints from Liza Minnelli. The two most enduring sights from
the show's run will likely be Danza singing cabaret-style at a piano and getting
a concussion during a go-kart race, with the kiddie ride showing Danza once and
for all who really is the boss.
"The Pat Sajak Show" (1989-1990)
Like a "Wheel of
Fortune" contestant attempting to buy a "Y," the game-show host couldn't
have been thinking too clearly when he accepted a gig as a late-night talk-show
host. What began as a 90-minute program was quickly reduced to 60, but that
didn't make it any easier for the eternally grinning Pat Sajak to come up with compelling material. Having the
audacity to try to unseat Johnny Carson, Sajak had the drapes, the spotlight, the band
and the couch but not the charisma. One of Sajak's few memorable episodes
featured an interview with Robbie and Evel Knievel -- appropriate, because
the show was such a disaster.
"The Marsha Warfield Show" (1990-1991)
Who better to host
a talk show than the sixth funniest person from "Night
Court"? After a lengthy search for an affable, homey and quick-witted host,
producers instead offered the job to the woman who played bailiff Roz, a cranky,
manly character who spent most episodes standing in the background with her arms
crossed. Shockingly, the show lasted less than a year after its 1990 premiere,
and Warfield was never heard from again (save the occasional "The Love
Boat: The Next Wave" appearance). The show featured a laid-back set with a
soda machine, fireplace and a basketball hoop that encouraged guests to take a
shot on their way in, but the show, like Warfield herself, was far from a slam
dunk.
"The
Caroline Rhea Show" (2002-2003)
When Rosie O'Donnell traded in her daytime crown for a
hermit-like existence of lawsuits, lesbianism and lunacy, she handpicked this
"Sabrina,
the Teenage Witch" comedian to assume her Koosh-ball-slinging duties.
Unfortunately for the somewhat quick-witted Caroline Rhea, however, the job also came with all the
appeal of a worn-out pair of your older sibling's overalls. Hosting from a
nearly identical set, Rhea inherited many of Rosie's behind-the-scenes people,
along with the belief that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. But things did break
-- quickly -- as the daytime host got blank stares asking guests questions such
as, "So, were you ever a Boy Scout?" Rhea's self-deprecating humor took on an
unintended dimension after only a few months, when the audience realized that
her "I-can't-believe-I-have-a-talk-show" shtick probably meant that she
shouldn't.
"The Chevy Chase Show"
(1993)
As a lifelong devotee who still holds out hope that Chase will someday find a vehicle that could return his
magic (the verdict is still out on "Community"), I have to admit that I probably watched more
episodes of Chevy's infamous program than he did. And, as someone who has nearly
come to blows with people while defending "Funny Farm," even I have to admit that everything about this
show was an unmitigated mess. For five fabulous weeks, Chase broke out in dance,
attempted to make Jennie Garth interesting and even retreated to reading the
news like he did in his "Saturday
Night Live" glory days. On top of all that was one fact that even the "Fletch" funnyman would have a hard time denying: He was an
absolute jerk. From awkwardly hitting on Goldie Hawn, to cribbing notes from Ernie Kovacs and Steve Allen, to broadcasting from "The Chevy Chase
Theater," the man seemed oblivious to the fact that people need to accept the
host as a friend if he or she is to succeed. Like the goldfish stuck in the tank
behind his chair, it was evident from Day 1 that this Chevy vehicle was
going nowhere.
"George & Alana" (1995-1996)
Proving once
and for all that all Hollywood personalities eventually get their own talk show,
this one-season wonder was hosted by leather-skinned cheese ball George Hamilton and future "I'm a
Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!" contestant Alana Stewart, most famous for being the ex-wife of George
Hamilton. Their gimmick was that they would bicker and take swipes at each other
but were really best friends to the end. This would prove fortunate after the
ratings came in, because both had a sympathetic shoulder to cry on.
"The Magic Hour" (1998-1999)
Chevy Chase had a basketball
net on the set of his talk show and so did Marsha Warfield but, oddly enough, Magic Johnson did not. That was the first of many mistakes:
from Craig Shoemaker as the supposedly funny "sidekick" to Sheila E.'s lame Latino musical stylings to Johnson's own
unease speaking in front of an audience. The program got far more attention than
it deserved when Howard Stern began playing audio clips daily, deconstructing
the previous night's Magic debacle. Finally, when cancellation was imminent,
Johnson loosened up enough to have Stern on the show, and the result had
everything that had been missing during the previous months: humor,
unpredictability and irreverence.
"The Tempestt Bledsoe
Show" (1995)
The title alone sounds like
some passing joke they'd make on "The
Simpsons" -- you know the name, but which "Cosby
Show" woman was it? No, not wild child Lisa Bonet, charming Phylicia Rashad or successful second-act Raven-Symone, but that other one -- you know, Vanessa, the
girl who always had all the crazy hair-don'ts? Those who did tune in to the
cookie-cutter talk show (and hung around through the opening credits despite the
lack of a dancing Bill Cosby) didn't find much to hold their attention, other
than the post-Arsenio Hall enthusiasm of an urban audience and Bledsoe's
occasional attempts to make the world a better place through pontification. The
show went off the air just a few months later, with audiences finding the
experience slightly less pleasurable than being forced to wear Theo's Gordon
Gartrelle shirt. Bledsoe resurfaced recently on the reality series "Househusbands of Hollywood" alongside her longtime beau
Darryl M. Bell.
Follow us on Twitter: @MSNtv
