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By Paul Semel
Special to MSN Entertainment
Watching television isn't easy. Do it incorrectly and you might end up with a sprained funny bone or a bad case of Elvis pelvis. Or, worse, you might end up watching "Coach." But although there's a right way and a wrong way to watch TV, figuring out which is which isn't hard when you trust the professionals.
It is in that spirit that we present this handy guide to watching procedural crime dramas -- otherwise known as "Law & Order" spin-offs and "CSI" rip-offs. If you heed our recommendations, and stretch before any telexercising, you might just get out alive.
Don't Miss the Opening
The crime is usually committed
before the title sequence, so if you aren't watching from the get-go, you won't
know what's going on until the first commercial break is over. Shows like
these have a tendency to recap. A lot. In fact, you could probably come in five
minutes before it's all over and still know who did what and why (though,
obviously, not how). If you do that, however, you'll miss the obligatory bad pun
that comes right before the titles. And you wouldn't want to miss that.
Don't Get Too Attached to Anyone
Regular characters on
procedural dramas have a tendency to die. Often. And the ones who don't die will
probably get fired. "CSI: Miami" and "CSI: NY" lost regular cast members this season, "NCIS" lost one last year and the original "Law & Order" has
lost so many people since it started 16 years ago that it might as well just
call everyone a guest star. But nothing beats the original "CSI," which killed a
cast member before the first episode concluded.
Don't Snack
These shows, especially the ones with the
letters "C," "I" and "S" in their names, have a tendency to get pretty graphic
with their wounds, and their words, so it's best to chow down well before or
well after you start watching -- unless, of course, you're someone who can watch
an autopsy, or hear the details of a gruesome crime, while eating salsa.
Don't Have Kids
At the risk of sounding like a book Dr.
Phil would write, sometimes bad things happen to small people. All of these
shows have had plots in which crimes have been committed against kids, and, if
you're a parent, this can be hard to watch. If you need any help convincing your
wife, husband, parents, in-laws or just random strangers that you shouldn't have
kids, just show them the "CSI" episode "Cats in the Cradle," in which some cute little girl kills an
old woman over a cat. You won't want to have kids, or cats, after that one.
Don't Miss One
Although these shows don't have a
continuing saga like "24" or "Lost," they do often bring characters back, sometimes
years later. The original "CSI" had three nonconsecutive episodes about serial
killer Paul Millander and brought back bad girl Tammy Felton for a second
episode years later. Similarly, "NCIS" had numerous episodes with Gibbs and Co.
chasing after Mossad agent Ari Haswari, especially after he took out Kate.
Don't Watch Just One
There are a number of shows under
the "Law & Order" and "CSI" banners, but they don't just throw them up on
the screen and hope people find them. Often, characters from one show will
spin-off to another, or shows will introduce characters from other spin-offs by
having them appear on the original shows. The "NCIS" crew first appeared in two
episodes of "JAG," while the cast of "CSI: Miami" got its start investigating a
crime committed on "CSI," then repaid the favor by introducing the cast of "CSI:
NY." "CSI: Miami" and "CSI: NY" even continued this mutual appreciation society
by having a two-parter that started in Miami (and on "Miami") and ended in New
York (and on "NY"). But the king of crossing over is Detective John Munch, the
cop played by actor/comedian Richard Belzer, who went from "Homicide: Life on the Street" to "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit," while also appearing on
"The X-Files," "The Beat, " "Law & Order: Trial By Jury" and even "Arrested Development."
Don't Commit Crimes Just to Meet Someone
Although there
are some members of law enforcement who are, depending on their gender, pretty
or handsome, even the best-looking cops and detectives have admitted that most
people on the force aren't as good looking as Angie Harmon of "Law & Order." Or Gary Dourdan of "CSI." Or Catherine Bell of "JAG." Or Mark Harmon of "NCIS."
Don't Assume It's All an Act
They may just be thespians,
but all the actors on these shows actually get help from real police offers and
other specialists. Elizabeth Devine, for example, was the senior criminalist for
the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department for 15 years before becoming a
consulting producer, and later a writer, on both "CSI" and "CSI: Miami." If
that's not enough to dissuade you from committing a crime on the studio lot,
just remember that actor Dennis Farina, who plays detective Joe
Fontana on "Law & Order," used to be a cop in Chicago, while Pauley Perrette, who plays lab rat Abby Sciuto on
"NCIS, " studied sociology, psychology and criminal science at Georgia's
Valdosta State University. "And," she says proudly, "I got straight A's."
Don't Bet Large Sums on the Outcome
In the course of
investigating crimes, a police officer or detective might, inadvertently, chase
a false lead. On procedural crime dramas, though, they seem to chase false leads
almost every week. If they have a prime suspect before the show hits the
30-minute mark, the suspect will probably be ruled out before the clock hits the
45-minute mark. However, usually someone who was just a witness or a character
seen in passing turns out to be the guilty one (though they never pin the crime
on someone they haven't shown before, so if a character is introduced early on
and then not shown for a while, you might consider putting a fiver on them). In
fact, they sometimes don't even realize who the real criminal is until the very
end of the show, which is why ...
Don't Miss the End
Procedural crime dramas love shock
endings as much as "The Twilight Zone." In the closing moments of "CSI," for
example, they've had criminals commit suicide, confess being in love with their
own fathers and even reveal that they've had help from someone you wouldn't
think would help anyone but themselves.
Besides, these shows usually show scenes from their next episode while they're running the closing credits, and sometimes they include the obligatory bad pun that comes right before the opening titles. And, as you know, you wouldn't want to miss that.
Paul Semel writes about music, movies, TV and video games for magazines
such as Stuff, Emmy, Giant, Electronic Gaming Monthly, Spin as well as
Movies.com. He is also available for weddings and bar
mitzvahs.
