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By Robert Isenberg
Special to MSN Entertainment
What is it about people getting trapped on remote islands? Why do we love to watch TV shows about tattered nomads stuck in the middle of nowhere, building basic tools out of coconuts and bamboo? And it's not just unmapped tropical cays: There's also outer space, underground and, for some unlucky aliens, Earth itself.
As "Lost" ended its third season, it was revealed that several of Oceanic 815's survivors had actually made it off the island. Though we'll likely still have to wait a few seasons to see how the escape happened, we can't help but wonder how it will measure up to the genre. Who are the castaways of TV's past, and how did they journey back from the frontier? If there's one thing that's certain, most shows get axed before there's even hope of rescue, but the point is, they tried -- and entertained us along the way. Here's a glance at some favorite marooned casts:
"Gilligan's Island" (1964-67)
There's
hardly a red-blooded American who can't hum the "Gilligan's Island" theme song, name the characters or recall
what cereal he or she was eating while watching the reruns. For three years
Americans tuned in to this favorite screwball comedy, heeding the Professor's
brilliant plans for escape, and then laughing at Gilligan's plan-foiling
klutziness. But life improved for the Gilligan group: First, the once
black-and-white island discovered Technicolor in episode 37. Then the show's
tired formula of good-ideas-gone-bad found new life when Gilligan started having
vivid dreams of vampires, werewolves and Sherlock Holmes. If only he could have
dreamed up a spin-off; CBS abruptly cancelled the show in 1967, reducing
Gilligan's island to a quick stop on the bus tour of Universal Studios.
"Hard Time on Planet Earth" (1989)
Sure,
the beefy lead was named "Jesse," and his sidekick was a badly animated floating
eye named "Control," but this one-season sci-fi comedy was a fun little satire
about an extraterrestrial war criminal who gets sentenced to hard time -- on our
very own planet. Confused by everything from cash money to ball-point pens
(admit it, it's an oxymoron), Jesse and Control were the perfect odd couple from
outer space. The CBS series was quickly cancelled, but Jesse joins a host of
other forever-stranded TV aliens: Mork, ALF, and even slime-spewing Roger from
"American Dad."
"Lost in Space" (1965-68)
This classic sci-fi,
action-adventure hoke-fest continued the tradition of stranded Robinsons
(Robinson Crusoe, Swiss Family Robinson), though the Robinsons of "Lost in Space" were the first to own a truly obnoxious silver
robot shaped like a blinking trashcan. For every planet they discovered, we
could expect the Robinsons to face super-human trouble and the robot's nasally
wail, "Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!" (Why did they build a robot that only
sensed danger? Why not a robot with, say, a rocket launcher built into it?). The
show's name said it all (lost, space, not too complicated), but sadly, this
intergalactic nuclear family would remain lost: The series was abruptly
cancelled by CBS. But we can be confident that the Robinsons never made it home,
as the show takes place in the far-future date of 1997 (the year after "Star
Trek" claimed Khan would take over the Earth with an army of super-men).
"Land of the Lost" (1974-77)
Rafting
through the wilderness has its own inherent dangers, but if you go rafting with
Rick, Will and Holly, you might tumble over a waterfall and end up battling a
giant Tyrannosaurus Rex named "Grumpy." What's astounding about this primal
fantasy isn't the hairy makeup on the "Paku" cavemen, or that the tormented trio
never reached home. Rather, it's that NBC dedicated 43 episodes to "Land of the Lost" -- and they're all available on DVD!
"Quantum Leap" (1989-93)
Perhaps the
most awkward of them all -- if only because of how many times Scott Bakula had to wear a dress -- "Quantum Leap" took an innovative spin on the "lost"
protagonist: Nice guy Sam is struck traveling through time, inhabiting people's
bodies just long enough to solve their personal problems -- a combination of
role-playing therapy and "Invasion of the Body Snatchers." Critically acclaimed and
widely beloved, "Quantum Leap" actually earned a true finale, when Sam finds his
own body, but long before he met his wife and fathered his daughter -- a
real shocker for the series' fans.
"Survivor" (2000-08)
In its half-decade
of sweaty, soul-crushing malevolence, "Survivor" has taught us one thing: People are mean. Spanning two
hemispheres and six rain-forested islands, "Survivor" has revealed time and
again just what self-absorbed hotties will do to win a cool mil and a Pontiac
Aztek. Gritty, cutthroat and unpleasantly democratic, "Survivor" boasts the
winning combination of "Clueless" and "Lord of the Flies" -- and it continues to be our candidate for
Reality Show Most Likely to Cause Physical Harm to Its Own Contestants. CBS
wouldn't cancel this show if its ratings depended on it, and as the blazing sun
of Exile Island continues to punish our not-yet-voted-off competitors, we'll
once again sense the true meaning of "natural selection." On the plus side, you
know that the "Survivor" survivors -- whether they won or lost -- get to come
home with a nice tan, and they're almost guaranteed an interview with David Letterman. Tough luck for the
Robinsons.
Robert Isenberg is a freelance writer, stage actor,
comedian and playwright. Raised in Vermont, he discovered television -- as well
as gas heat, electric stoves, e-mail and baklava -- when he moved to Pittsburgh,
where he lives and performs.
