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Keeping score on celeb reality TV's winners and losers
By Kati Johnston
Special to MSN Entertainment
What could be better, you ask, than being a celebrity? Why, watching celebrities make idiots of themselves and basking in the Schadenfreude-liciousness of it all. Some shows have taken the genre to classy heights, such as ABC's "Dancing with the Stars," which has recently returned for its fourth season, and its inspired baby sister, last year's "Skating with Celebrities" on FOX, which offered similar pairings to cheer but with lacerations and broken bones. Other shows are flat-out rubberneck disasters -- but in that good way. Here are our votes for the all-time best and so-bad-they-hurt-your-molars worst of celeb reality TV. Don't agree? Get your own show; we hear Tonya Harding and Tom Sizemore are hiring.
The Best
1. "Dancing with the Stars," ABC
A
great concept, cool visuals (Americans would rather watch dance than actually do
it), real skills to observe and distinct personalities to root for. Plus, it's
nice to watch celebs who have some talent beyond having been famous. This
season, keep an eye on Lisa Rinna, who's far sharper than her acting
career thus far would suggest. And maybe George Hamilton, though I'd rather watch his ex, Alana, and
her wacky daughter with Rod Stewart, Kimberly: "Daddy's Little Girl Loves Disco,"
indeed.
2. "Celebrity Fit Club," VH1
I doubt there will be a better season than
its first with Daniel ("@#$%^&*") Baldwin. Boy, was he mad. (Did he
ever lose any weight? I dare someone to ask him.) This season the pudgy crew
includes Dustin Diamond, fresh off his sex tape escapes, ex-"American
Idol" alum Kimberley Locke, and Marcia Brady (Maureen McCormick).
3. "Celebrity Boxing," FOX
Gone but not forgotten, this brilliantly
lowbrow series launched the train-wreck branch of celeb reality TV in 2002. The
cast was unparalleled: Tonya Harding, Paula Jones, Barry Williams, Vanilla Ice and Danny Bonaduce (the latter two thus
launching their second lives as professional has-beens). FOX was smart to ax it,
but for better or worse it was compulsively watchable, and its fabulously evil
spawn include "Being Bobby Brown" (Bravo) and all the Bonaduce sagas including
"Breaking Bonaduce" on VH1 (Where is that going to end, by the way -- "Burying
Bonaduce"?). The answer to life's biggest rhetorical question: "How low can you
go?"
4. "The Simple Life," FOX
Yes, they're famous just for being
famous, but former (current?) BFFs Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are still celebs and still
make for some of the best spoiled-fish-out-of-water TV. The fourth
season of the show found the pair playing "wife" to a different family each
week, only never at the same time since the former friends couldn't
stomach being on screen together. The duo has since reconciled
and will appear together again in the fifth installment,
though only time will tell whether it will be as fun
as watching them perform "wifely" tasks (besides the ones we
already knew Paris could do).
5. "Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-list," Bravo
This was short-lived but
hysterical, almost as funny as Griffin's must-see stand-up act. This is a gal
who's a has-been and is proud of it; her refreshing candor makes her seem a rung
or two higher than the usual celeb reality chaff. For some reason we really want
Kathy to be happy, and we're sad she's getting divorced from Matt, but the show
did underscore some, shall we say, issues. We wish them both the best. And we
and the Claymates of America will be glued to her new series, "Allegedly."
6. "The Osbournes," MTV
Addictive and sympathetic, this show
was a great combo of lust for seeing how the other half lived and gratitude we
didn't have to. But beyond the bad tats, the kids in rehab, the piles of dog
poop, was the real love between Ozzy and Sharon. Now Jack's lost weight, Kelly's
(mostly) not a fashion victim, Sharon's had those mega-implants downsized and Ozzy looks like he's been taking his vitamins. Group hug!
Wanna-be "Run's House" on MTV isn' t nearly as consistent, though the
Rev's got some depth.
Runners-up: "Rock Star," CBS: loved the show, not so sure about the resulting
band; "Punk'd," MTV: does it count when there's only one celeb (Ashton)?; "The Newlyweds," MTV: everyone was glued to it; and
everyone's not surprised what happened. A sequel? Please? "The Divorcees,"
featuring bitter legal mediation, Joe's running commentary on his daughter's
physical assets and lap dances for Nick as necessary.
The
Worst
In no particular order: "Taradise," E! (time for Tara to
consider night school); "Tommy Lee Goes to College," NBC (accused wife beater
and Hep-C transmitter let loose on unsuspecting campuses ... uh, no
thanks); "My Fair Brady," VH1 (Peter Brady, or whatever his real name
is, is no Danny Bonaduce); "The Surreal Life," VH1 (where retreads get retread; can TV
as a unit now please officially eject Omarosa and Janice Dickinson forever?
Though we confess to be intrigued by the coming Season 6, featuring Alexis Arquette and Florence Henderson); "Flavor of Love," MTV (who could
possibly want to date Flavor Flav; think of where it's been, people); "Britney and Kevin: Chaotic," UPN (back to the trailer park,
and be careful not to bump into Tonya); "Growing Up Gotti," A&E (though we
confess a certain pleasure in the "What Work Has Victoria Had Done?" game); "Fat Actress," Showtime (Basta. Really.)
Kati Johnston is a freelance writer based in L.A. She'll never be a celebrity, so stop asking.
