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By the foolish Paul Semel
MSN Entertainment
Clearly, TV is full of fools, and we ain't just talking about the goober who
keeps canceling "Star Trek." Nearly every situation comedy and cartoon has a
fool or two, and there's plenty more on the dramas, reality shows, even the
news. But not all fools are created equal. There are fat fools, skinny
fools, fools who climb on rocks, tough fools, sissy fools, even fools with
chicken pox. Which is why, in honor of April Fool's Day, we've picked our
favorite TV fools. And ate some hot dogs.
Real Fool: Jessica Simpson from "Newlyweds."
Why? Do you not remember the
tuna fish comment?
Lost Fool: Gilligan from "Gilligan's Island."
Why? Because if it
wasn't for him, it would've actually been just a three hour tour.
Fools Rush In: Cosmo Kramer from "Seinfeld."
Why? Because after nine seasons,
he never learned how to knock.
King Of Fools: Carrie Spooner Hefferman from "King Of Queens."
Why? Only on TV would a
hottie like her marry a shlub like Doug.
Tool Fool: Tim
Taylor from "Home Improvement."
Why? Because he ignored
basic safety rules.
Duel Fools: Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton from "The Honeymooners."
Why? Because they were
the original Beavis and Butt-head.
Dual Fools: Beavis and Butt-head from "Beavis & Butt-head."
Why? Because they
were Beavis and Butt-head.
Beautiful Fool: Chrissy Snow from "Three's Company."
Why? Because her I.Q. was
smaller than her bra size.
Friendly Fool: Joey Tribbiani from "Joey."
Why?
Because you've got to have "Friends."
Fool Of Beer: Cliff Clavin Jr. from "Cheers."
Why? Because this know-it-all
didn't know anything.
Retro Fool: Michael Kelso from "That '70s Show."
Why? Because being pretty
and dumb means you're still pretty dumb.
Technical Fool: Marshall Flinkman from "Alias."
Why? We'd tell you, but then Sydney
would have to kill you. And she's kind of busy.
Military
Fool: Maj. Frank Marion Burns from "M*A*S*H."
Why? Because he had Hotlips but
was still jealous of Hawkeye.
Furlough Fools: Dr. Sherman Potter, Max Klinger and
Father Francis Mulcahy from "After M*A*S*H."
Why? Because
they should've known to leave well enough alone.
Future
Fool: George Jetson from "The Jetsons."
Why? Because he should've
known how to stop that crazy thing.
Inspector Fool: Inspector Gadget from "Inspector Gadget."
Why? Because without his
niece, Penny, and her dog, Brain, he never would've solved any crimes.
Spy Fool: Maxwell Smart, a.k.a. Agent 86, from "Get Smart."
Why? Because without his wife,
Agent 99, they never would've stopped that guy from "The Love
Boat."
Well-Red Fool: Lucy McGillicuddy Ricardo from "I Love Lucy."
Why? Because despite her hair
color, she was the original ditzy blonde.
Fool's Gold: Lucille Ball from "I Love
Lucy."
Why? Because in 1956 our Well-Red Fool won the Emmy
for best actress.
Ship Of Fools: Yeoman-Purser Burl "Gopher" Smith from "The Love Boat."
Why? Because he was the one
who steered them into that iceberg. Wait a minute...
Why Do Fools Fall In Love: Gregory Montgomery from "Dharma & Greg."
Why? Because a lawyer
should've known better than to marry that crazy broad after only one date.
Fool Me Once, Shame On You...: Tony Danza.
Why? Because he's
played Tony in every show he's ever done ... including his talk show!
Caped Crusader Fool: Bruce "Batman" Wayne from "Batman."
Why? Because no one who becomes a
violent vigilante after witnessing the murder of his parents would ever be such
a cartoonish goof.
I Pity The Fool: Capt. H.M. "Howling Mad" Murdock from "The A-Team."
Why? Because he made the rest
of that motley crew look like rocket scientists.
Fool and The City: Charlotte York from "Sex And The City."
Why? How did she not
know Trey was a mama's boy?
Cool Fool: Arthur "Fonzie" Fonzarelli from "Happy Days."
Why? Because he actually did
jump the shark.
Dancing Fool: Fred "Rerun" Stubbs from "What's Happening!!"
Why? Because he really
only had one dance move.
A Fool And His Money... : Neil Cavuto from "Your World With
Cavuto."
Why? Have you seen what he wears?
Hair Fool-licles: Howard Cosell from "Monday Night
Football."
Why? Because that toupee wasn't fooling
anyone.
In-Fool-Mercial: Ron Popeil from every damn
infomercial.
Why? Because if you act now, it won't make a
damn bit of difference.
Frankenfool: Herman Munster from "The Munsters."
Why? He was made that
way.
Chain of Fools: Anyone who runs on "Cops."
Why? Because you can't escape the
long arm of the law.
Paul Semel writes about music, movies, TV
and video games for such magazines as Maxim, Wired, Giant,
Electronic Gaming Monthly, Spin and Vibe. He is also available for weddings
and bar mitzvahs.
Agree? Disagree? Let us know at heymsn@microsoft.com
