Hotmail
By Brill Bundy
Zap2it.com
Oh, joy. A new season of "America's Next Top Model" can only mean two things: 14 more girls who think all it takes to be a fashion icon is being "pretty," and Tyra Banks' ego ready to rage out of control.
Producer/creator/supermodel/actress/Oscar red carpet hostess/songstress Tyra kicked things off on Wednesday (Sept. 22) night with an intro conducted in a wind tunnel where she warned that being a model "ain't no picnic."
This year, in addition to beauty it also means catfights and tears.
We're all ready to start the counter on how many times she manages to say
"I," "me" or "my," but obviously someone else wrote her speech, because she
doesn't speak of herself once. Not even in the third person, as in: "Tyra Banks
is going to teach these wannabes a thing or two."
In a
change from the previous two editions, this time things start off in Los
Angeles. The semi-finalists are brought together for interviews with Tyra, Jay
Manuel and J. Alexander (or Mr. J and Mrs. J, as Tyra has dubbed them). Of
course, since UPN announced who the 14 finalists were a couple of weeks ago, the
suspense is largely killed.
Thus we know that Amy, Brianna, Mary, Nargis,
Natalie, Rachael, Sarah and Tiffany aren't going to be around for us to make fun
of, but we'll still pretend for the time being that we care about them.
After they settle in at the hotel, the semi-finalists go down to dinner. Sometime around the dessert course, Tyra sweeps in and makes up for the lack of "me"-ness at such a staggering rate that we immediately give up trying to keep track. All the girls go crazy and start immediately with the bowing, scraping and genuine genuflecting.
Tyra gives a pep talk and manages to sound only slightly bitter about actresses like Jennifer Lopez and Jennifer Aniston pushing models off magazine covers.
After Queen Tyra leaves the hive, the women change into bathing suits and gather around the pool, and we are treated to Diva Eva who attempts to ride roughshod over everyone with her own agenda.
The next morning the interviews begin and we meet Tiffany. Even though we know she doesn't make it, we're still touched by her story of growing up on the mean streets, perpetually disappointing her family and seeing violence as the only viable option.
However, that night we get a glimpse as to why she doesn't make it. A group of gals heads over to happening L.A. hotspot (and, yes, we're being sarcastic) Barney's Beanery for drinks and dancing. Several women who are helpfully identified as "Non Models" take offense at the pretty posse poaching on their territory. Tiffany suggests a dance-off, which leads to an incident that we can't label any better than she does herself: "Bitch poured beer on my weave."
Tiffany responds with some ice and then another "Non Model" throws a glass. Before you know it, it's an all-out bar fight.
While she's remorseful for the incident, Tiffany really doesn't see how she could have responded in any other fashion. On the van back to the hotel, she gets into it with Sarah, who also isn't going to make it to the short list. Sarah thinks the situation could have been defused peacefully. Tiffany calls her Martin Luther King and while that's cool and all, she herself is "with Malcolm X."
Back at the interviews we meet Norelle. Having been a fan of Elyse in Season One and Yoanna and Shandi in Season Two, 19-year-old Norelle is an early fave of ours, even if she does idolize Paris Hilton and when one of our co-workers saw a close-up picture of her earlier today asked if she was computer generated "like that chick in 'Final Fantasy.'" What can we say? We think the braces are adorable.
We also meet Amy, who proves that it is indeed possible to be too thin. Amy readily admits that she has a medical condition, but it's not an eating disorder. She explains that her metabolism is too fast and she's currently on 3,000-calorie shakes three times a day to no avail. She's just shy of six feet tall and weighs a mere 115 pounds, which may be charitable.
Tyra is a bit insensitive when she tells Amy to skip the shakes and to just eat real food like fried chicken, but Eva is downright nasty, telling Amy to her face that no man will ever want to sleep with her and that there's no way she can bear children.
Charming.
When Eva gets her shot in front of the judges, Tyra tells her that 80 percent of the girls who have walked through there have had nothing but bad things to say about her. She says she doesn't want to cast "another black bitch" on the show and that she's pretty sure that Eva goes out of her way to deliberately hurt people's feelings.
Now, Tyra is showing some sound judgment here, but she is quickly snookered. Because it seems that 10 minutes with Tyra is enough to crack through Eva's defenses to reveal the sweet, insecure girl she really is underneath it all.
Yeah, we'll see how long that will last. Although we'll give it to Eva that she does have this great '60s Eartha Kitt thing working for her.
At the end of the hour, we are down to our core 14 and have only more bit of information to impart.
Unlike last season's Mercedes, who kept her lupus secret for as long as possible, 25-year-old mother Amanda with the light blue eyes that everyone oohs and ahhs over decides to announce to all of her newfound friends that she is legally blind and will be completely sightless by 30.
Not that she wants sympathy, she just wants everyone to know that they shouldn't treat her any differently.
Amanda's favorite movie is "Baraka." Now, we don't know if she means the 1998 Senegalese offering from directors Jean-Paul Colleyn and Victoria Ebin or 1992's fluid collection of environmental scenes, but either way we're impressed by either her eclectic taste or her unabashed pretentiousness.
And, really, since a model's career is over by the time she's 30, she might
as well sell her disability while she can.
