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'Oz'
Prison is no place for
wusses, and as any convict will attest, the best advice is to get
tough in the shower, learn how to box and keep your trap shut. Now
that "Oz" has been cancelled, we can round up some solid lessons
from our time in the clink: Working with the warden might seem like
an easy way to score parole points, but selling people out is a bad
-- repeat -- bad idea. If you have to choose alliances between the
O'Reillys and the Muslims, try to get a nice quiet cell in solitary
(although don't eat the food, or breathe, if you can avoid it). In
the end, if you find yourself incarcerated, see if you can't get a
role on "Prison Break." There's a mild chance
you could dig your way out, or try to save your loved ones (and
not-so-loved ones). Plus the network-friendly language is a little
easier on the ears. | |
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'Sex and the
City'
Okay, nobody actually kicked
the bucket in this utopian version of
Manhattan, but if you want
to keep a relationship with these four
bombastic broads --
and thus, survive longer than a single episode -- the key is to not
be weird. We can't stress this enough: Weird guys won't cut it --
and that includes premature ejaculation, using the bathroom with the
door open, starting random fights and trading alcoholism for
sex-addiction. Even an affection for woodsy retreats is a no-go,
unless your cabin is outfitted with a vast array of martini mixers.
Mr. Big and Steve have done pretty well, so you might consider being
gold-hearted and kind of stupid, or better yet, fabulously
wealthy. | |
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'Six Feet
Under'
As we learned from this
show's brilliant final episode, everything ends someday -- even this
much-missed series. With a new passing at the start of every episode
for six seasons, the big lesson here is that there's no way to
outrun the inevitable -- but if you can endure with class and savvy,
you might get to bow out during a moving musical montage. RIP, "Six
Feet Under." | |
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'Alias'
Perhaps the only world as topsy-turvy as the Los Angeles of "24"
is the entire planet Earth in "Alias." It probably goes without
saying that the only thing deadlier than working for the CIA is
working for any number of terrorist organizations with epic names
(The Alliance, The Covenant, et al.). Here's a simple rule: If
you're a bad guy, and you're standing in a room with Sydney, and she
says something witty and jocular, be prepared to have your face
kicked in (in typical super-spy fashion, she's keen on those
one-liners). And sure, Sydney is totally awesome and way hot, but
never, never, never have a relationship with her. Remember Danny
Hecht? Dead. Noah Hicks? Dead. Michael Vaughn? Well, he's still
alive -- for now.
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Robert Isenberg is a
freelance writer, stage actor, comedian and playwright. Raised in
Vermont, he discovered television -- as well as gas heat, electric
stoves, e-mail and baklava -- when he moved to Pittsburgh, where he
lives and performs.
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