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"There's bad, and then there's you." -- "American Idol" judge Simon Cowell
By Vinnie Penn
Special to MSN TV
Growing up, I was fairly certain that Italian-Americans cornered the market on zingers. After all, thanks to my late father, I literally thought my name was Stunato until I was in the first grade (that's Italian for stupid). Entire episodes of "The Sopranos" were built around the cast in the back room of Bada Bing! slamming each other, from how fat someone's spouse was to the cheapness of someone across the table to how badly someone dressed, and so on.
But, the British just may have the edge.
Photos: In Focus: Simon Cowell
Case(s) in point:
FOX mainstays Gordon Ramsay and Simon Cowell. When either delivers a blow -- to a
stranger, no less, plus on television -- the insult bar is utterly and
absolutely raised; they also provide giddy delight and a pleasant evening of TV
and microwave popcorn. (Oh, and ratings, too.)
They are both so good at the putdown, it nears art form. The question is,
though: Who is better at the tongue-lashing?
Judging from previews for
this season of "Hell's
Kitchen" (returning Tuesday, July 21, at 8 p.m. ET/PT on FOX), world-class
Chef Gordon Ramsay does not appear to have even driven by a spa during the
show's hiatus. Over the years, Ramsay's venom has been spewed at many a chef
hopeful. Meanwhile, auditions for Season 9 of "American
Idol" begin Aug. 6, with the show set to return in January, potentially
without Simon's sidekick Paula Abdul.
Round 1:
"That dish is clumsy ... just like you!" - Gordon Ramsay
"There are only
so many words I can drag out of my vocabulary to say how dreadful that was." -
Simon Cowell
Round 2:
"I feel like I need some plastic wrap on my ass." - Gordon Ramsay
"You're
out of tune, you're out of time, and you're out of here." - Simon Cowell
Round 3
"You serve, they eat. Straight after they vomit." - Gordon Ramsay
"Who's
your singing teacher? Get a lawyer and sue her." - Simon Cowell
Round 4:
"Who's cooked the diapers?" - Gordon Ramsay
"Remember these words: You're
not a singer. Not in a billion years." - Simon Cowell
Round 5:
"That tastes like gnat's p---." - Gordon Ramsay
"I have never ever been in
so much pain." - Simon Cowell
Round 6:
"Are you a dumb blonde? This is rancid." - Gordon Ramsay
"That sounded
like a cat in a vacuum." - Simon Cowell
Round 7:
"I wouldn't even serve that to a pig." - Gordon Ramsay
"It would be a
challenge to find someone to sing worse than you." - Simon Cowell
Round 8:
"You'll kill someone with this. It's poison." - Gordon Ramsay
"I've had
more fun in a dentist's chair." - Simon Cowell
Round 9:
"This huge dish of overpriced stodge should be extinct." - Gordon
Ramsay
"If you were a horse they'd shoot you." - Simon Cowell
Analysis
To be fair, Ramsay is in a bustling kitchen much of the time, sweat
collecting on his forehead, wick short as an Oompa Loompa, which is important to
note. Cowell is seated, guzzling Evian by an air conditioner, his only source of
discomfort being his snug black tees. But, as Cowell would no doubt point out:
"If you can't stand the heat ..."
Still, for this reason, and the fact
that Ramsay is fueled more by anger while Cowell is armed with a bit more of the
calm and clever, I'd have to give the fight to Cowell.
Ramsay's people would throw in the towel by Round 3.
Read more about Vinnie Penn's Italian-American upbringing by grabbing his
book "Guido's Credos: The Paisan Point of View on Everything from Marriage to
Macaroni" (Cambridge House) at his Website.
Related: American TV's Favorite Brits | Follow
us on Twitter: @MSNtv
